i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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