dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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