I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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