pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
