You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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