DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize