Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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