When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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