dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
