Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
