My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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