so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
