apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
