Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
