Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
