Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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