i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize