If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
