His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
