He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
