Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
