pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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