My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize