He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
