someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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