this beer tastes like vomit already
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
