I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
