You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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