apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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