The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
