Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
