what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
