What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
