Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
