I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
