She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize