i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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