He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
