I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
