my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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