i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
