Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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