She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
