Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
