I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
