im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
