I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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