i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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