I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
