I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
