remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Your penis caused this!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
