My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
