I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
