Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
