Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
