the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
