I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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