i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
