can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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