Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
