I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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