I just threw up on my dentist
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
