The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
