Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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