I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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