There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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