he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
