Need sex. Gaining weight.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
